It’s too soon to say if there will be a baby boom or an increase in divorces during and post Covid-19. What we do know is that there has been increased pressure on couples.
The most common argument themes in couples’ therapy are generally time, sex, money and neatness. During lockdown, couples have had less time together, children around all the time, possibly less sex, less money and certainly and abundance of mess!
Having to manage all these themes in the family whilst experiencing lockdown has resulted in pressure on couples. There’s been guilt, frustration and even blame from both sides. In some cases, your best friend has become someone you barely can tolerate looking at. You may have gone from holding hands to rolling your eyes at each other.
Don’t despair, there is hope! There is a natural explanation for these feelings. Our relationships are under the pressure of sometimes unbearable intensity as we’re living in each other’s space 24/7.
*Janet and Will, a couple in their 40’s engaged in family therapy talk about their frustration under lock down. The issue is around where they’re allowed to vent their frustration.
Janet says “When I try to explain that I’m tired of the mess in the house, Will escalates the discussion into an argument, which turns into a fight that gets personal and not about the subject at hand. If I try to make a point about the children, Will again blows it up into an argument and we stop focusing on the relevant topic. It gets personal. We’ve never done this before in our relationship”.
Conflicts in a relationship are good and are not an unhealthy sign. The lockdown has added pressure to our relationships. We need to separate the lockdown pressure from the usual challenges we face as couples. They are 2 separate states. View it as your regular relationship state and your Lockdown state. If your regular state was healthy, it’s unlikely that you have deep structural problems in your relationship. We all need a safe place in our relationship where we can argue and disagree, it’s an unavoidable part of living together.
The ideal when you have a partner and you’re living together is that you should bring out the best in each other.
We all have good sides and bad sides to our personalities. But let’s face it, we’d like to show our good sides most of the time. The reality though is that it’s not easy to be at our best all the time, especially when we’re left without time to ourselves. We have many facets, and will express a variety of emotions, not all of them positive. Under normal circumstances we take time to ourselves to reflect or recharge rather than subjecting a partner to the sides of ourselves we prefer not to show. Or, we’d have a change of scene when we head to work, which would bring about a change in behaviour because we’re obliged to display our best, professional selves in that environment.
As couples without these usual outlets or space to retreat, it’s understandable that we’d feel like we’re going crazy!
How to connect again
1. Stop
When you’re in the middle of a discussion or argument, stop! Write down what it was that you wanted to say. Put it in a box you’ve agreed to use for this purpose. Wait until you have time, then sit down together, take out the paper and talk about it then.
2. Physical contact
When you’re disagreeing about something, try to take your partner’s hand, and look them in the eyes. It’s hard to be angry while holding hands. Try it.
3. “Grounding” together
Agree a time in the day when you can spend 1 minute together. Take a chair each, sit opposite each other, put your feet on the floor, your hands on your stomach and close your eyes. Now breathe. Follow each other’s breaths. Take turns to be the one to lead. Keep doing this for 1 minute. Remember, its only 1 minute out of 24 hours. When you get into a good routine, challenge yourselves to carry on for a bit longer, or do it in the morning too.
4. Listen
One big challenge is listening to what our partner is saying. We don’t always do that. We may give advice, argue or express an opinion. We need to listen to the other side. Here’s a fun game you can play. Sit together. One of you starts to tell the other something that has happened. You listen. The next step is to tell your partner something that you’ve been reminded of by listening to their story.
5. Prioritize each other
Giving or receiving, the feeling of being prioritized is an amazing feeling that is healthy in a relationship. You can say “Darling, let me do the washing up today. You always do it”. Or “Let’s just put our work aside and go for a walk. Just you and I”.
As humans, we like to be seen, heard and acknowledged. This is very necessary in a relationship, and even more so now when we’re together 24/7. Moreover, actively listening to and acknowledging each other is a tool to bring out the best in each other!
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Third Culture Family Therapy 
Good advice. We actually survived the hard lockdown here in NZ for a month and never thought an extrovert who loves to travel can stay put in one place. Sometimes we realized we’re stronger than we thought we are.
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